This is not us

 In my opinion, the woman/girl perspective of seeing things and dealing situations is different. But we are not shown in society as we are. Everybody painted us as they want to. They treated us as they want to. I think it is not good for us at all. 

Even on the cinema screen, this is all perspective of the ‘male gaze’ who are making films or represent women in a different frame. I questioned myself since childhood, Am I like this…. sweet, dependent, not taking a stand for herself in various situations, always looking for a boy who protects her as a hero, good beti, ideal bahu, wife, and mother..as shown in some films. In some movies, educated girls are framed in a negative manner on screen, ‘पढ़ी लिखी बहू है तो काम तो आता नही होगा’, शादी हो गयी अब घर सम्भालो बच्चेे संभालो, ‘ये अमीर बाप की पढ़ी लिखी बेटी है घर को तोड़ेगी या बेटे को घर जमाई बनाके ले गयी ऐसा दिखाया जाता है ‘ adamant rich girl-love with hero-becomes wife- no career- only good wife in saree-having kids-so on…Rarely cinema will show an educated woman to be well balancing also. They particularize women in a specific way of good or bad. Whatever we see on screens creates a large impact on the masses.

Girls! Do you really think you are like those as seen in movies? 
Do you really deal with the situations as shown in the movies in various situations?

I am just taking one example; actually, so many other examples are there around us.

• Online bullying– passing bad comments on girls online or normally also. Do people even think how badly it affects them? 
• Work Bias– Doing household chores is the work of woman only and financial matters & all payments are done by man only. Bias on the job also. A woman’s hard work is not counted at offices, people just passed comments on achieving or getting promotions because she is a woman and accordingly this is enough for them to judge her. These are people whose minds have not yet been developed. 
• Vehicle driving by a woman is considered risky & dangerous. People makes fun videos on them. If that so then why the number of road accidents is higher where the majority of drivers are men only.
• Patriarchal judgements– Considering wives always inferior to their husbands irrespective of their achievements, same for daughter in laws-they always consider them less than their sons.
• Girls with short hair, on choice of their clothes or skin colour- “ऐसा करने से लड़का थोड़ी बन जाओगी, रहोगी तो लड़की ही”. It’s her choice to have long or short hairs, who you are to decide for her clothes or judge her. Woman are brilliant, compliment their brain.
• People passes comments constantly like “लड़कियो का दिमाग़ घुटनों मे होता है”,  “औरते तो होती ही बेवकूफ़ हैं” (Believing someone), “अरे बुड्ढी से शादी कर रहा है” (marrying an girl older than him), “आजकल की लड़कियो के बश्की नही है कुछ भी करना, जितना हमने किया हैं उतना तो ये कभी नही कर पायेगी” (household chores, Pregnancy & delivery matters, newborn care, breastfeeding etc) और भी बहुत कुछ….
• Women are blamed for the sex of the child; Blamed for the divorce; Always questioned on being a single parent; Victim of abuse in marriages; Depression; suicidal thoughts; Get no support from parents, in laws and from society, etc. We found ourselves in suppressing and undervaluing situations.
• Dignity– It’s all too easy for everyone to say “leave my house and go to your parents’ house” over petty pleas/argues, especially by her husband. Hearing all this, not only does she break down, but her dignity, her existence, her feelings are all shattered. Not even a single sorry can recreate it. In the second family home (which she has been assuming her home), she found herself a longtime stranger, no secrets to share with her, no acceptance of her, because she came from the others’ homes. Most of the girls see mother-in-law as their own mother after marriage but sometimes it is just not in their hands. Some people never show her the love and respect she deserves because of their own insecurities. I know, person to person matters, generation gap is also there but this rigid patriarchy does not change in every house of our society. The fixed format for DIL is the same in most households. Everyone is running their houses according to their understanding and experiences. But in these fixed formats for girls/DIL, so many aspirations and emotions are lost for unnecessary reasons. Hope there is ‘respect’ for each other in every family.

• The head of the family is mainly a man. MIL is always happy when some things go effortlessly in the husband’s hand because of the patriarchal society’s format. You know, some women in our society who had gone through the same discriminative situations, wanted to see their DIL go through the same and they enjoy it with innocent faces. 
• Male name (father’s name/husband’s name)is always preferred for all the important documents of the child. I tried to get my both parents name everywhere but never got a positive response, only father’s name was always asked.

As a woman, after going through many phases as a girl child/daughter/ sister/wife/daughter-in-law, etc. Now, I understand that why our society is said to be ‘Patriarchal’, in my opinion, because it does not want to respect any gender except male. Not even transgender. They don’t want to accept anyone except males on top. They show their real face when any woman breaks this patriarchal chain. It’s an experienced fact. We dream of a good career, adorable, loving family, and the most important- Respect in any relationship. But it’s unfortunate that we forget to respect ourselves while fulfilling all relationships.

(Share your own experiences below in comments)

A woman’s way of doing things is different, dealing with daily life situations is different, way of sharing ideas and thoughts is different (which is absolutely normal). This is not us as a ‘male gaze‘ represents us on the screen most of the time and patriarchy represents us in society.

Even in the system, the contribution of civil servants’ wives in their respective departments is incredible. But as a wife of an officer like me faces lots of false narrative things. Since first posting, people including our colleagues started throwing things unnecessarily on me and my husband that “EVERY WIFE wants only big bungalow, car, AC rooms, fancy things, jewellery, etc. materialistic things… give all this to them then only they will be happy.” We never support all these sensitive statements because we know it’s their perspective and maybe their experience but not Ours. I truly believe that I am a woman who has self-respect, always follow her principles and a very simple human being but it is very sad that it does not matter to them how much I earn, how my brain/my thoughts work, how much we have contributed to the departments indirectly, how much I am giving to the society…. they only tag us as a materialistic wife without even know us personally…..Sad! 

In our society, we believe that it is important for us that how our family sees us, how our in-laws see us, how our relatives see us, how people see us…Sometimes we are trapped in such situations where we should not be there….Sometimes we find ourselves in such a dilemma where we question “am I really like this?” (The way people see us). 

It is as if we are fighting a ‘never-ending’ battle for our dignity. 

Are we really like this? 

There are many things that indicate that society needs to change its attitude towards women. Because it lowers their confidence and value as a person, which I think is not good for the development of society itself because we know women play a very important role in it. And we (women) inspire others 365*24*7…We always have the power of leading and developing things. People need to focus, not only on woman development but also on ‘woman leadership development’. As our honorable PM sir has been telling a lot about ‘Women-led development’ which will be very effective to change the mindset of society towards us also. I have always believed that if every woman gets the due respect and they realize their value and role in society and become independent (Thinking, decision making, financially independent), women empowerment is achieved.

Let’s make a more positive space for women on social media and in real life.

Dear beautiful ladies, 

How we see ourselves, only matters…. 

I am sure you will agree with me/you have also felt same at some or other point of time. 

What do you think? Always most welcome to share your thoughts and what your conscience says.

#Thisisnotus #SeeMeAsIAm #dignitymatters #woman

रुपक

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